Taking Stock: January

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Eating:  Totally in love with Indomie’s Chicken peppersoup flavor. Totally unhealthy, I know.

Drinking:. More and more water everyday. Totally good for my kidneys.

Reading:  A Bollywood Affair by Sonali Dev and God’s Not Mad at You by Joyce Meyer.

Playing: My Bollywood playlist. I have only 6 songs on it right now. Suggestions are welcome. I cannot tell you how much I love songs sung in another language.

 Wasting: No time seizing the day and being happy and reveling in the fact that God loves me.

Creating: Memories with the fam.

Wishing:  That I could be friends with Nam Taehyun, and that I didn’t have to wake up by 6am everyday.

Enjoying: Studying for exams.

Wondering: “When will my reflection show who I am insiiidee??” JK, wondering if my habits of book hoarding and excessive playlist making can make me money.

Loving: Listening to Nazdeekiyaan. (soundtrack from the movie Shaandaar). The vocals, the video, the feels it inspires in me. Too much.

Hoping: That I’ll actually be able to do the 30 Day Letter Challenge to the end.

Marvelling: At how much energy my puppy has.

Smelling: Like a rose garden. jkjk

Wearing: My favorite red skirt that I swiped from my sister.

Noticing:. That I feel free. And that it’s not a totally unwelcome feeling.

Knowing:. That I can do this thing called life, and nursing school.

Thinking:. About how I need to work on my people skills.

Feeling: Content.

Bookmarking: School websites and carrot cake recipes.

Opening: My mind to new possibilities.

Giggling: Because I’m so punny.

 

Love to your families. Stay warm in this cold world.

PS- I’m totally going to do the 30 Day Letter Challenge. I just need somebody to hold me to it.

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I always write a post on my birthday. Last year was a series of doors in my face for the most part, but I did end up getting a sweet early Christmas gift.

This year, I want to grow into the me that God intends me to be. I also want to try my hand at running  small business.

This year, I will conquer my irrational fear of the ocean (and swimming pools) by learning how to swim. I also intend to learn how to drive and how to knit.

I want to blossom this year, and flourish in every way possible. Ha!

I don’t know how to end this, so…. Eat cake today, people!! (Preferably carrot cake hehehehe)

Love, joy and peace to you.

 

Taking Stock- December 2016

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I found this on Cateyes and Carrots

I haven’t posted in a long while, and I thought I’d wrap up 2016 with a post. I wasnt up for doing a review of the year, so this was super-perfect for me.

Eating:  Nothing at the moment. But I have been eating a lot of eggs lately.

Drinking:.Juice, lots of it.

Reading: China Rich Girlfriend by Kevin Kwan. It’s so hilarious. I love Astrid!!!!

Playing: I can’t get enough of BIGBANG these days. It hurts that the whole band won’t release new music for a while. 😦

 Wasting: Time by sleeping in every morning. Gotta get a head start on the day, yuno.

 

Creating: Outlines for stories that I want to write.

Wishing: I was friends with YG artistes. And that I had extra 6,000 dollars lying around in a bank account somewhere.

Enjoying:  Life with my family. Ask me again next week.

Wondering: Where I’d be if all the things that happened this year hadn’t happened.

Loving: Finding my mother’s book stash.

Hoping: That all the things I need come to me.

Marvelling: At how far I’ve come this year.

Smelling: Like me.

 

Wearing: A tee-shirt and jeans. Business as usual.

Noticing:. That I need a wardrobe overhaul.

Knowing:. That God has my back.

Thinking: About all the things that I want to do.

Feeling:Grateful

Bookmarking: Random academic stuff

Opening: The door to my heart. Much cheese.

Giggling: At my own jokes, because I’m awesome as heck.

 

Be inspired. Live your best life. Flourish where you’re planted. I’m totally in a better mood than I was when I started writing this, so I might make this a regular thing. We’ll see about that.

See you in 2017.

Coffee Mugs 5- Goodbyes and New Beginnings

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I hate goodbyes. I don’t watch finale episodes of shows that give me the feels for that reason.

I’d much rather just up and leave than say goodbye. It’s why I have a hollow feeling in my chest. I’m in denial of the fact that a phase of my life is about to end. I have zero expectations for the next phase of my life but is that a good thing really?

I’m a little bothered that I can’t feel anything anymore. I think my feelings are broken.

I’m usually excited about new beginnings, but due to broken feelings, I can’t bring myself to be excited.

Listening to Amanda Cook’s album Brave New World to soothe myself.

Here’s to a new beginning for me.

Coffee Mugs 4- Being vaguely ‘something’.


The title of this post was inspired by a tweet I saw yesterday. The tweeter spoke of not having any intense feelings of late and even those feelings she could always count on were not as strong anymore and she ended up being vaguely’something’.  I obviously relate so much with that tweet I could have been the one tweeting it.

I’m temporarily staying with a friend and I stumbled upon a couple of notes that I wrote to her at a time where I was open and trusting and more honest with myself and as I read through those notes, the feels hit me right in the chest and made me write this post.

I haven’t allowed myself to be ‘deep’ for a while now because it hurts when I think about things. Things are so far out of my control and in the Heavenly Father’s hands right now and I trust that he’s working for my good.

Maybe I haven’t been thinking much because I’m lazy. Or tired of adulting. I don’t know.

Anyway, I haven’t felt intense emotion in a while and those notes made me feel good. Even though they were written to another person, I felt like past me was reaching out to present me and telling me I’ll  be fine.

I don’t know the next time I’ll write something, but feel free to catch up on all my old stuff, friend.

 

Grace and Peace,

N.

To the one I love


Kinda.

Everyone says that even a blind man would notice that I like you. I don’t think so. All my friends think you know I like you, but you don’t act like you know so I don’t really care.

I can’t believe it took me a year and a half to accept that I liked you. Then I tried to pray it away, which led to much internal struggling and anguish. I also tried not to notice you anymore which didn’t work out so good for me. It only made me want to hide you in my basement so you’d only have eyes for me. I decided to give up the struggle and just pray for you- for everything about you, and although I’m not so consistent about it, I think it made me love you more.😊

It made me a little sad to find out that you have eyes for another,  but hey, until you guys are official, I still love you.

Why do I love you? I would say I don’t know, but then I would be lying. I love you because you listen. I love you because you care. I love you for your quirks. I love watching you work. You have a certain grace about you when you work that appeals greatly to me. I love listening to you talk, and I would love to live inside your head; to just occupy a tiny place in your mind and watch how it works. I want to be your mind’s intern, shadowing you and memorizing the inner workings of your mind.

I used to want to be everything for you, but now I just want to be me for you. You may never read this, but thank you for being my muse. Being ‘in love’ with you has opened my eyes to me.

Above all, I want you to experience happiness and exceeding joy in your life, whether it’s with me or anyone else.

I love you, in a way I didn’t know I was capable of, joonam.

See you tomorrow 😊😊

 

Why I cried


I cried

Because going back to you feels like

Going back to prison for a crime I did not commit.

 

I cried because

Even though I miss you,

The thought of being with you makes my insides churn violently and my heart race. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.

 

I cried

Because I seem to have no say in this matter

And because all my violent straining against the ties that bind me

Seems to go unnoticed by the one that has all the power.

You asked,

and I answered.

 

Coffee Mugs 3.

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I was going to write about unrequited love, but WordPress wouldn’t let me be great when I woke up this afternoon. Happy Easter, people.

There is a place I go when I don’t want to be responsible, or think about all the stuff happening in my life, but I find that when I go there and I actually talk to my ‘handler’, I get clarity of some sort.

Back to my unrequited love story. I’m in the middle of praying away my feelings for this particular human, and I realised how comfortable unrequited love is for me. I develop feelings, alone, and take care of them all on my own when I feel I’ve been stuck on them for too long. All of this is because I’m deathly afraid of being in a relationship due to my being insecure in my ability to be a reliable partner to a person.

Anyway, after realizing all these things about myself by talking to my ‘handler’, I decided to reflect upon my life thus far, and I found out that my life has been full of unrequited love after unrequited love after unrequited love, and the only time I was in an actual relationship, it ended up as a train wreck after 2 months.

The one before this, was unavailable in every form of the word. It took a lot of prayer to get rid of my feelings for him and thank God I did, or I wouldn’t be live today.

I might tell you the story of all my unrequited loves someday, or maybe I won’t.

The point of this post has gotten away from me, but, thanks for reading this far.

Also, thanks to the 101 followers I have right now. I appreciate you guys so much.

Virtual hugs and lots of love to everyone in the world.

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Beyond the gimmicks, that is where you lie.
Curled in fetal position,
Defending against what you don’t know
While trying to maintain who you are
Trying not to change, not to act depending on who is watching you.

Trying not to become a travelling roadshow
Only doing things so people can see and judge you fit
Fit to live among them,
Fit to receive love from the one whose love never quits.

But bear in mind that He’s ready to receive you and reform you the way you are. No make-up on, Au naturel.

 

I’ve been a lazy writer for the past two weeks because I don’t want to address some issues in my life right now.

I wrote this last year when I was struggling with myself. Hehe.

Anyway, I want some cheesecake right now.

Breathe.

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Breathe.

It’s the only way I’ll know you’re alive.

Your sigh

is deep and tells of pain that one can only imagine.

 

Come,

into my arms.

Although I cannot promise anything else,

I’m here now. And I want to take away your pain.

I don’t know what to say

and I won’t say anything.

I’ll just be the constant in your ever-changing world.

 

Breathe.

You don’t have to do anything else,

just Breathe.

 

 

This was loosely based on the title track Breathe (한숨) from Lee Hi’s new half album Seoulite.