When asked this question, most girls reply with the classic phrase ‘I still haven’t found THE ONE yet’ or ‘I’m focusing on my career, or my academics now so I can’t be bothered to date anyone’. I have used the second one a lot of times but I recently discovered I was just saying that so the people asking would nod their heads in solidarity with me and leave me alone.
A couple of weeks ago, while I was nursing a massive crush on a certain someone that would have been a perfect fit with me according to 75% of my friends, anytime anyone asked me why I didn’t just go for it, I replied ‘I don’t think it’ll work’ and when asked for a reason, I’d just smile and walk away or change the subject.
After a bit of soul-searching, so to speak, I found the answer. I like control, and by virtue of that I’m still holding on to my past relationship. You see, I had a lot of power in my last relationship and I used it really selfishly and without compromise and as much as I know people are different, I dread the fact that I might like someone so much that I have to give up some of the power and compromise for the person. It’s so funny because I do it for my friends, but when it comes to a relationship, my ability to do that disappears into thin air.
I started writing this post because I thought my only issue was wanting control and because I thought it’d be fun to write about that, but I just realized that I’m just mostly scared.
Scared of opening up to a new person, scared of sharing myself with a new person, because in a relationship, you both belong to each other and I’m scared of belonging to someone because I know that when you belong to someone, you have no secrets from them and that’s a scary prospect because my defense is keeping a part of me to myself so when you break all the other parts of me, the part I have to myself is mine and mine alone and I can build up from there.
In conclusion, I’m single not because I like control, but because I’m scared, and having control is sort of like my seat belt or my airbag, so to speak, to protect me from my ‘significant other’. How’s that for an honest answer?
I need to find cool images for my posts.
Peace, Love and Kimchi fried rice 🙂